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Things to Do After Sex: A Practical Guide For Any Situation

(You will enjoy the reading more if you become creative and try to imagine the various given situations)

- Go home.

- Call her a cab.

- Apologize. And explain how you almost never "finish" that quickly.

- Unlock the men's room door and get back to your desk.

- Pay the lady.

- Roll over and go to sleep.

- Take a shower.

 - Compliment her on her dancing skills as she leaves for the main stage.

- Spoon.

- Ask her her name.

- Turn the video camera off.

- Make yourself a sandwich.

- Tell her to make you a sandwich.

- Change the sheets.

- Put the whip back in the freezer.

- Clean up the condom wrappers.

- Hang up the phone and put your credit card back in your wallet.

- Check for sores.

- Ask the waiter for the check.

- Take off the wig and fishnets.

- Return to your seats and pretend to enjoy the in-flight movie.

- Remove the beads from your ass.

- Remove the beads from her ass.

- Put another log on the fire.

- Pee.

- Ask if they are in the same sorority.

- Bask in the afterglow.

- Act like you're actually putting her number in your phone.

- Try hard not to look so surprised you actually had sex with a woman.

- Engage in some obligatory pillow talk.

- Sneak her back to the reception to before the other bridesmaids miss her.

- Climb out the window before her father comes home.

- Climb out the window before her husband comes home.

- Defog the windshield so you can drive her home.

- Reload for round two.

- Put the sock in the hamper.

- Tip the washroom attendant for not seeing/hearing anything.

- Remove your ball gag and release The Gimp.

- Let the dog back in the room.

- Turn off Cinemax and go to sleep.

- Get her a towel.

- Take the rubber bands off your wrist and let the blood flow back into your hand.

- Uncuff her.

- Beg her to uncuff you.

- Chew your arm off to get away without waking her up.

- Tell the cabdriver he can turn the rearview mirror back to where it belongs.

- Try not to laugh when she tells you she's "never done anything like that before."

- Wipe off the clown makeup.

- Hold her. That's right. Hold. Her.

- Turn off the Barry White/Marvin Gaye/Righteous Brothers/Sting mix.

- Blow out the candles.

- Deflate your girlfriend and put her back under the bed.

- Shut down the hot tub jets and grab a towel.

- Try to convince yourself you didn't see an Adam's Apple.

- Put the cap back on the lube.

- Fluff up the coat pile and get back to the party.

- Drop the keys at the front desk.

- Log off and wipe down your keyboard.

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