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Secrets of 7 Men Who Cheated and Came Away Still Married and Uncastrated

Sometimes in life, our underwear dweller overrides our brains and we end up sampling things we shouldn't. And I'm not trying to imply straying once in a while is ok - I think cheating is a bad move and would undoubtedly unleash "the fury for which hell hath no" on any man who betrayed me. But apparently not every woman feels the same way.

While I'd like to tell you that getting caught cheating will surely earn you four slashed tires, possessions strewn across your front lawn, and a drained bank account, I cannot. What I can do is show you some of the most high profile wandering gentlemen and how they pulled off their infidelities. Marriage - and balls - intact. Why? To give hope to doghoused cheaters everywhere. And because I'm just as flat-out amazed by these guys as you are.

1. KOBE BRYANT
What Kobe did: "Sexually assaulted" (more like "hooked-up with" if you ask me), 19 year-old Katelyn Faber, an employee of the Colorado hotel where he was staying. After accusing Bryant of sexual assault, Faber later refused to testify and all charges were dropped. Big national story, press conference confession of adultery by Kobe, lots of public humiliation for his wife Vanessa. Deep shit, right? Wrong!

Why Vanessa forgave him: Mrs. Bryant issued a statement saying her beloved husband "has made a mistake -- the mistake of adultery... I know that he did not commit a crime, he did not assault anyone. He is a loving and kind husband and father. I believe in his innocence." A very sweet and very supportive statement from a loving wife. Wearing the $4 million, eight carat, purple diamond ring she just received from her adulterous husband.

Kobe's Secret: Knowing when a lady can be bought. And having the millions to do it.


2. BILL CLINTON
What Bill did: Took the term "Executive Privilege" to new heights by receiving blow jobs from chunky White House intern Monica Lewinsky, while serving as President of the United States and Leader of the Free World. Which he promptly lied about. Then causing the entire world to be creeped-out when the details were finally released. Not a very smooth move by Mr. Bill. He lied to Hillary also at first, then the morning he had to testify he confessed the whole thing, making her realize that she'd been sticking up for a liar. Publicly. Big, global story. Unimaginable public humiliation for Hillary. But did she leave him? Nope.

Why Hillary forgave him: In her 2003 memoir, she would attribute her decision to stay married to love: "No one understands me better and no one can make me laugh the way Bill does. Even after all these years, he is still the most interesting, energizing and fully alive person I have ever met."

Bill's Secret: He cheated on someone who is more rational and better at thinking things through than he is. And loads of charisma doesn't hurt.


3. FRANK GIFFORD
What Frank did: Allegedly spent a steamy week of extra-marital boinking with busty flight attendant Suzen Johnson, at a hotel in Manhattan. Later allegedly learned that the Globe allegedly paid Johnson to hide video cameras in their room. The Globe published the whole thing, embarrassing the crap out of Gifford's wife, the over-perky, ex-Regis stooge, Kathy Lee. To make things even worse, Johnson launched an (ultimately short-lived) website, "SuzenJohnson.com: Frank Gifford's Mistress Tells All", and posed nude in Playboy. This is a case of a ballsy, alleged gold-digging, mistress allegedly spreading Kathy Lee's nightmare across any type of media she could allegedly find. Oh yeah, and Frank lied to Kathy Lee about it too.

Why Kathy Lee forgave him: I'm sure the counseling was a biggie, but according to an interview with People magazine, the sex sucked her in: "Because each time you make love... that person feels forgiven and you feel restored and loved again." Damn, Kathy. After seeing Johnson, I hope you at least remembered to make him wear a condom.

Frank's secret: He's great in the sack! (And has a video to prove it.)

4. JESSE JACKSON
What Jesse did: Cheated on his wife for four years, producing an out-of-wedlock (I won't say "bastard"), baby in 1999. He even used his charity's (tax exempt!) funds to move her ass out to CA. All the way out to CA, that is. For a man who uses "Reverend" instead of "Mr.", this is not exactly divine behavior. And Mrs. Cheating Reverend Jesse Jackson? Did she demand an eye for an eye and get to know one of Jesse's flock "in the biblical sense"? Not at all.

Why Jackie forgave him: He righted his funding wrong, and apologized to Jackie, their children, and thousands of parishioners publicly at a church. And continued to pray for and ask the public for forgiveness.

Jesse's secret: Actual, genuine remorse. Preach, Jesse, preach!

5. DAVID BECKHAM
What Becks did: Allegedly hit the sheets with his personal assistant, Rebecca Loos, at least four times in 2004 while his wife Victoria was traveling in another country. Not to mention engaging in lots of phone sex and raunchy text messages. Big, hot, celebrity sex scandal with tabloids on at least two continents descending like wolves - how fun for Victoria and the kids!

Why Victoria forgave him: Victoria recently told the New Zealand edition of Stuff Magazine that it was the roughest point in their marriage, but it actually ended up making their marriage stronger. (((WOW))). No indication that he apologized, admitted it... or anything. But somehow he came out on top. Maybe he just took off his shirt and smiled at her?

David's secret: Being an international sports star - with a mega-mill contract to match. And looking exactly like David Beckham.

6. OZZY OSBOURNE
What Ozzy did: Cheated on Sharon constantly for the first four years of their marriage - including getting freaky with the nanny the night their son Jack was born. How fatherly. You'd think there would be some security in marrying someone as weird-looking as Ozzy, but... guess not!

Why Sharon forgave him: She blamed it on his drug and alcohol abuse - but not before she made him believe his cheating had earned him a case of AIDS. That's right, she set up a hoax AIDS test to scare Mini Ozzy back into his pants forever. Forgiveness? More like reigning by terror.

Ozzy's Secret: The old "alcohol and drugs made me do it" gambit. And then staying faithful. You don't want to piss off a lady who would make her own husband think he'd contracted a deadly virus.

7. ALEX RODRIGUEZ:
What A-Rod did: At the end of May, A-Rod was photographed with sometime Playboy model and most-time exotic dancer (not stripper, to be politically correct), Joslyn Noel Morse, who he had been out clubbing/partying/private pool playing with a few weeks before. She's super hot, but so is his wife, which makes me even more eager to see how this turns out. Am I alone here?

Why Cynthia forgave him: Can we say for sure that she has yet? Let's see... the photos of him and Josie came out June 1, and this is the middle of August. She is still his wife, and still holding his hand in public (at least on nights when he is taking her to wallet-raping restaurants), and still going to his games. But her game attendance is getting interesting. On July 1, she went to the Yankee game wearing a white tank top with the classic phrase "F*CK YOU" on the back of it. Is she going to lose it? Is A-Rod the next John Wayne Bobbit?

A-Rod's Secret: So far it's exactly that: A secret. But I'm sure we'll find out what it is, and if it even worked, soon enough. So far the clues point to knowing when a woman can be bought, and knowing when you've pissed your wife off so much that you don't dare tell her she can't wear a shirt that says "F*CK YOU" on it to one of your games. This could go either way. Good luck, A-Rod. You're going to need it. And we're going to be watching.

So if you're a millionaire, sex-god, David Beckham look-alike who is terrified of, and truly sorry for, cheating on his smart, gold-digging, fear-inducing, forgiving wife, you've got nothing to worry about. Ever.

 
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